When we were kids (even til’ now), we were taught to say 4 Magic Words, which are: 1. Greetings/Excuse me 2. Sorry 3. Please 4. Thank You.
In this article, I am going to specifically talk about the word “Thank You”.
We say “Thank You” almost everyday and every time we received help or kindness from someone no matter how small it is. For example, when you borrow a marker or when you lend a marker to a friend. When you call the phone operator, you’d say thank you and so does the operator. We say “Thank You” a lot more than we thought to the point that it is like breathing to us.
However, just like breathing, we tend to take it for granted. Its meaning became lost somewhere at one point of our lives, because we spoke the word over and over again like an unwritten rule. “Thank You” has become nothing but a formality to our ears. We spoke the word automatically as if we have been programmed since we were a child, and haven’t learned how to say it from our hearts.
Meanwhile, these days we (including myself) need to hear the sincere “Thank You”. Appreciating someone won’t make them less productive or became spoiled. It would only increase their performance in whatever they’re doing, and made them more motivated to continue their job or responsibility.
We tend to feel like we want to quit or stop, because we don’t know if what we’re doing is important, give benefits, or if we’re doing it right or not. No one was there to say “good job” to us when we did our duty as a child, parent, friend, or worker. We gave pats on our back by ourselves, but deep inside we know that we need to hear those sincere “Thank You(s)”.
So, here are the things you can do to give a sincere “Thank You”. Though let me remind you that this is just my opinion. It’s not a recorded finding, but it is something I have seen at work (and experienced)
1. Always (and always) find the good behavior to be praised, not mistakes to be scolded
When I was a child, I rarely received praise from my mom, and her choice of words was quite rough for a child. I was told I couldn’t do anything right just, because I misspelled a word for my homework. I was told to sleep outside (and yes I couldn’t get into my room until past midnight or so) until I finished my homework that was due only for another few days.
Then, when I was able to remember the multiplications and actually got a 90 for math test, no one said anything. I didn’t get to hear a ‘well done!’ or ‘wow amazing!’
It is okay to say ‘thank you’ or appreciate someone in any kind of form when they’ve done their best even though it wasn’t as expected. Every people have different capacity. Sure a person still can improve and get better as time goes by, but if you want them to improve, try to find the positive things they have no matter how small.
For example, if your employee didn’t achieve the expected target, but you do see how they are willing to go to work during the weekends to try to finish their job, just say thank you or treat them a nice cup of coffee.
2. Give specific praise
This is also important. In my opinion (based on experience), if you don’t say the specific reason for thanking someone, they would either feel confused which good thing in them you are appreciating or worse, it would sound like another formality.
Try to give them specific praise. For example, if your employee came during the weekend just to get their job done (even if it’s still not good enough), try to say, “Thank you for coming in during the weekends. I can see how you’re trying to finish your work. Here’s a coffee for you. If you have any difficulties with your job, ask for help.”
I was treated that way by my supervisor from my previous work. I felt appreciated and also indirectly told that he did keep an eye on me whenever I work. That way, I would try to finish up my work on time and try to get a better result. I mean, he cared enough for me, why would I try to break that?
As for a child, being given a specific praise for the good things they did will let them know what kind of behavior is expected from them as a child. And in my opinion, it also helps in letting someone know your expectation for them.
3. Above all else, Unconditional Positive Regard
Unconditional Positive Regard is when a therapist gives full acceptance and understanding of a person’s emotions, even though most of them are negative emotions (e.g. fear, anxiety, anger, etc) (Rogers, 1980). According to Rogers (1980), when the therapist is experiencing a positive, acceptance attitude toward whatever the client feels at that moment, therapeutic movement or change is more likely to occur.
Being genuinely appreciative of someone is an example of Unconditional Positive Regard. It can trigger a change of attitude in someone. You don’t need to be a licensed psychologist or therapist to be able to give someone Unconditional Positive Regard, however it does take effort and time to be able to give one. We live in a society where most people only see the result but, ignored the process or achieving something is something that is expected and became a normal thing. So, it’s okay when it is hard to give Unconditional Positive Regard at first.
We can start practicing it by giving ourselves Unconditional Positive Regard. We can start it by acknowledging and accepting whatever negative emotions or thoughts we experienced. Accepting our negative emotions does not mean we act according to it. It means that we “normalize” the emotion we experienced. We are still humans, after all. We cannot be perfect and are bound to make a mistake intentionally or not. However, when we accept our negative emotions, it would be easier for us to manage the emotion and think what we can do about it.
Reference:
Rogers, Carl. 1980. A Way of Being. Mariner Books.
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